Getting Busy

I decided while I was high and petting a cat that I should live like a cat for a while. Napping, cuddling on laps to receive pets, not caring when I get pushed off onto the floor, not needing anyone's approval, stretching, licking, purring. Cats are sensual and a cat who does art is interesting and that sounds an awful lot like me. I would also like to be Mary Poppins and Maria from The Sound of Music while I live in this playground house. Singing, inspiring the girls to do their chores with my songs, puppet shows, picnics, and magic.

But even Mary Poppins needs help. Beth Tom is my guru. I think I picked a good one. She told me that everything is an illusion; life is whatever you imagine it to be. So I'm a cat. See how that works? It's so Gaga. Speaking of Gaga, I wrote to her:

Dear Lady Gaga,

I’m writing this from my bikini in Arizona. I would like to offer my services to you. I bake excellent cakes. I make people laugh. I take care of sick people. I write love letters. I have lots of stories. All I want in exchange is a chance to learn from your intense Focus how to harness my own intense Focus. Does this sound fair?

I will warn you that I may not be able to stay for long. I have to keep moving. You understand.

Come find me if you’re interested. My address is on the envelope.

Chelsea

While I was writing this letter, I tried to remember that Lady Gaga is just like me. So is everyone. That's called empathy. I'm pretty sure. I wrote something this week about never meeting your heroes and Beth Tom said No, you should meet your heroes. They are just like you. She's a good guru, I'm telling you.

I love living in my body. I love to cuddle and touch and roll in the sand and play sports and do yoga and dance and make things with my hands and sing and tumble. But I have to make a big effort because I'm usually stuck inside my boring headmind. SIGH. Life as a hummingbird. This is exactly why I'm becoming a cat. I'll be a kitten first and catch the hummingbird inside of me then mangle it to death and eat it. This will make me stronger and I'll blossom into a cat woman. It makes all the sense in the world.

I guess I don't really truly want to be HedonismBot from Futurama. I want to work hard and play hard. Like an athlete. But I want my work to be fun. I want everything to be fun, and fast. For, like the hummingbird (I think), I can be terribly, cripplingly impatient. And bored. And I am a sucker for penis. I totally fall for it every time. Is that what I was talking about? No? Well, keep up.

I talk about sex a lot but, full disclosure, I never do it. I just like to talk about it. Talking about it excites me way enough. I told Beth P that I'm glad we never had sex in college because it could have ruined the friendship but that I think we're strong enough now to go for it and, you know, I'm just "throwing it out there" as Kenny would say. Running things up flagpoles. This is how gay men do it. I read that in The Ethical Slut, and I suppose if I were a gay man, I'd be doing really well by being so blunt. At least when it comes to realizing my ultimate fantasy of being with two bisexual men at once, it will come in handy. Beth took it well. We laughed at my honesty. She didn't say yes but she didn't say no but she mostly didn't say yes. WOL. Because in my la la land magic world that I'm creating, you have sex with your friends because it's fun. Doesn't that sound like the easiest, greatest thing? Come on guys, it's 2010. CAN EVERYONE JUST GET WITH MY PROGRAM ALREADY? It's called The Long Con. I be your friend for long long time and then all of a sudden you're sleeping with me and you don't know how or why. GOTCHA. It hasn't actually happened to me. Yet. But, hey, it's not called The Short Con. I'm funny.

Then we went job hunting. Two ladies, nine attempts, zero jobs. My favorite was the Lattie Coor building at ASU. I complained that it was too warm in there for me, I would need a fan if I were working here and that guy on the skateboard, is he allowed to be in here with that? and do you guys get to print stuff out for free? Because I snuck in here once and printed out like 50 pages for free and Beth was like Shut up, I'm trying to get a job here, you're embarrassing me. ACTING. Beth walked up to a table of dudes eating Chik-Fil-A and asked them 'Where da party at?' and they just looked at her so she said it again. One guy was like "It's at his house" and dude was like "No" and Beth said "That's what you tell the girl you don't want to invite to the party". Queen Awkward, that's my Beth friend. Embarrassing yourself in public may be the most fun thing to do. That's one reason why I had to leave Rome. They take themselves way too seriously.

I am pulling a cake business right out of my ass. Brandon referred someone in urgent need of a cake with a Porsche 911 on it to me and I was getting a pedicure when my phone rang and the guy was ordering and I had to stop myself from being like "Who put you up to this?" but no, he was really ordering a cake. He was like "Do you make template cakes?" and I said "We certainly do" but I was thinking What the fuck is a template cake and I just said yes yes yes and a day later, I had done it. I made this cake and sold it to him for $50 and I couldn't have done it without my two Beths and Brandon and Sarah. It takes a village to start a cake business. I went to Starbucks today to work on my website because that's where you go to work on websites and I couldn't figure out how to access the free wi-fi and I thought "This does not bode well". Nobody said starting a cake business would be easy. I love saying 'cake business'. It's none of your cake business.

No, you aren't caught up just yet, there's one more thing. I am going to live on Seal Beach this summer with the lovely Jennifer Bloom. That beautiful name! I can't begin to list all the things we will do but it starts with surfing and blue bicycles. It won't be boring. I'm planning to pack a lot of fun with me in my suitcase. I'll have to bring my biggest one! Hey, someone ate their Sillyberto's today! Googley-eye face.

Instead of gesturing, I say the names of the gestures. Like "eye roll" and "jerk off hand motion". I'm funny.

I'm just trying everything, narrowing down by process of elimination what it is I want. I know I don't want to be needy, I don't want to force feelings out of people because um uh I can't, I don't want to live in Tempe, I don't want to be scared of getting the things I want, I don't want to play it safe, I don't want a dog. It's a little backwards maybe but whatevsies. I'm making it up as I go, just like you. Empathy.

My Bio Dad took me to Pita Jungle for dinner and we spent most of the time ogling the wait staff. That's me and my Bio Dad! We have fun. He pretended to punch me in the face. It scared me and I laughed very loudly. He asked the owner of Essence Bakery if she was 'feeling the sting of competition' yet from Queenie's (my cake business). I don't have to point out how hilarious this is but I will. This is hilarious.

Blogs are interesting. Why am I keeping one? Why are you reading it? These are just the answers I've come up with today. And they aren't answers. This is what came together today, what could fall apart by tomorrow. But I try not to say anything on here that I wouldn't say to your stupid face. I don't want to be passive, I want to be aggressive. And brave. Ever since 9/11. I will be the fearless guinea pig of the future. Ugh, I'm so many animals, it's exhausting.

I'm going to Costa Rica to wear myself out every day for eight days. I may never return. But I hate goodbyes so let's just promise you'll write to me. Long, beautiful love letters with your scent on them. If we are in perfect harmony with the vibrations of the universe, we will meet again. Unless I catch Dengue fever and die but oh! what a romantic way to leave! To die in the sand, in my bright blue string bikini, my cold hand clutching your letter to my bosom, the taste of my final words I started to build a swing for you, did you see it? still lingering on my plump pink lips. But, hey, did you see the swing I was trying to build for you? I don't think you did. That's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm a child. I was too busy trying to get you to look at me to look at you. (PASSIVE ALERT)

Does it sound like I have a lot of money? I don't. I'm just resourceful as shit. Yes, shit is very resourceful. Ha. Ha.

This is my bffB at the end of an epic night. Post-college.