Before I begin you should know that I can not find the apostrophe on this keyboard so my contractions will be without. Okay, there is an apostrophe key but it doesnt type an apostrophe when I press it and its too hot to figure out.
I said goodbye to the treehouse yesterday and I have one final Kaitano story. He hadnt been around all week, I was feeling pretty guilty that I had driven him away with my girly screams. But as I was taking a late night shower, who do I hear hooting just outside the bathroom window but good old Kaitano. He was saying goodbye to me. I think. Who knows why owls do what they do. Thats whats great about pets, you can assign them feelings that dont exist but bring you comfort and joy.
I am now in Malaga, recovering after my 17 hour celebration of Feria yesterday. These Spanish people sure know how to stay out late. I do not. I am trying to figure out their secret. I suspect it is coke.
Did you know that Malaga is the home of Pablo Picasso and Antonio Banderas?
Pedro met me at the bus stop, we dropped off my luggage and left the house at noon. I didnt come back until 5 AM. He showed me a few things around town, where Picasso was born, the cathedral, blah blah blah then we finally got around to the drinking. We went to an incredibly beautiful and crowded bar and had sweet honey wine. There were old bullfighting posters covering the walls and pictures of Antonio Banderas. Guess which one reminded me of Kenny. We went to another bar for more sweet wine and mussels. It was, as Pedro predicted, like a party in my mouth. The wine was served from giant barrels by grumpy old men and I think there were pictures of Antonio on the wall there too, signing a barrel.
Then we were on our way to the big party where we would stay for the rest of the night. Well, the first half of the rest of the night. It was in the same building as this huge coffin that they carry a statue of Jesus across town in for Feria. There was a lot of freaky Jesus stuff in this place actually and nobody else was there, super creepy. I wanted to get the hell out of there and go to the party already. Luckily, it was just upstairs with a spectacular view of both the Teatro Romanano (Roman Theatre) and Alcazabar, the very old Muslim castle. There were a lot of people and drinks and food and I didnt have to pay for a thing all night. I told some dude that Pedro was starving me and he bought me a cheese plate. The Spanish love to share. The women are particularly friendly. A straight woman bought me a drink. Imagine that!
There was one guy there who piqued my interest when I found out he was an oncologist. He looked like Obama. I became a little obsessed. I took several creepy stalker pictures of him and came up with two very clever nicknames: Obama the Spanish Oncologist and Spanish Oncologist Obama. There was another guy there who looked exactly exactly exactly like Daniel Faraday on LOST. I kept thinking it all night but didnt say anything, maybe thinking that they do not watch LOST in Spain. But then his friend said Have you seen the show LOST? And I already knew what he was going to say, I started squealing YES he looks exactly like Daniel Faraday! I tried to get pictures of him but he was so drunk he was not about to hold still and look like Daniel Faraday. This was a highlight of Feria. For me. I also saw Spanish Joel Dauten and Spanish Jonothon Howards older brother.
One thing you need to have with you when out and about in Spain is Kleenex because there is never ever ever toilet paper in any public bathroom. Its a wonder they even bother hanging the holders.
Pedro got really drunk and when Pedro is drunk his name becomes Peter. I do not know why, this is just one of the many inexplicable mysteries of the Spanish people. We were watching him through the window from outside. He was making out with this chick for a while then he led her downstairs. He came back up about ten minutes later and immediately started hitting on her friend and also grabbing any woman that happened to walk by. Im not sure how he accomplished this because it looked like he was about to fall asleep. We were all laughing so hard. That was the last time we saw Peter that night. Spanish men have no shame. They will flirt mercilessly with every single woman in the room. And not just like Oh you look nice but Hey lets go fuck in the bathroom. I find it kind of admirable actually that they are so open with their pussy houndedness.
For the second half of the evening we went to a dance club where they played Spanish 80s music I had never heard, American disco, and one Amy Winehouse song. They played YMCA twice and people were legitimately dancing to it with no irony whatsoever! I did my choreographed number that I learned from all my visits to Ed Debevics as a child which absolutely fascinated this lady in front of me. I couldnt tell if she liked it or not but she was definitely staring and pointing.
It was at about this time that I got really tired. I had been up since 6, my feet were killing me, it was hot, I wanted helados (ice cream) so badly I was asking strangers to bring me some. I thought "It must be at least 4 AM. Everyone is going to get tired soon and we can all go home and go to bed, sweet sleep will soon be mine". I looked at my phone and it was only midnight. I was all like Oh hell no. Somehow I made it through but I had to scream several times How are you people doing this? What is your Spanish secret? Everyone just laughed, I never got an answer.
Some big guy said to me "You should have a Spanish lover" and instead of my usual "My boyfriend died of cancer" I said "Oh no, I dont like sex". And he said "You think all the guys here are ugly? You like women?". And I said "No, I just dont like sex. I think its disgusting". He turned around pretty fast. Success!
I danced for as long as I could, it was like "They Shoot Horses, Dont They?". It was hot, I was starving...I could have died. Really. I went outside and threw myself against the wall with a big sigh. The bartender and some smokers were out there and the bartender asked me if I was okay. I said "Yeah, Im just American". We all laughed and laughed and Im sure they fell in love with me in that moment but what can you do with all the men who fall in love with you? There is not enough time in the world.
I went home and slept like Jane Fonda must have slept after making that movie. Pedro made it home too but he is recovering very slowly from his night. He wont say what happened. Im so curious, I wish he kept a diary, I would read it.
Im off to spread out somewhere and stay absolutely still until the heat breaks. Ciao!
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